Tips on Tact

2008-08-14T06:00:00.001-04:00

“Image Consultants”

It has been said, “The empty vessel makes the loudest noise.” There are people who are quite the self-promoters. They go about proclaiming the wonderful world of “them” or others closely associated with them. Now it’s one thing to brag about a particular family member when he or she has accomplished something truly noteworthy. It’s even palatable for people to relay the news when something outstanding has happened to them or when they have accomplished something worthy of recognition. But some people have to—it would seem—sell themselves or someone close to them in order to make sure they receive the recognition they so desperately crave. When people have to constantly bring up every single commendable (or even average) thing that has happened to them in order to get your “oohs” and “ahhs,” I wonder if they would be better off heeding the scriptural admonition found in Proverbs 27:22 which lovingly tells us, “Let another man praise thee and not thine own mouth…”

Listen, if you have to work that hard to sell yourself, or work that hard trying to prove someone else’s worth, let me give you a little advice though, admittedly, it is unsolicited: and I quote, “We are approved by God, we don’t have to win the approval of anyone else in order to look good in their eyes—we must accept the fact that we are not perfect people. Too many of us take ourselves too seriously and our great God not seriously enough.”

Spare us from the braggadocios bore and make us all more like the Master.

2008-07-28T15:24:00.006-04:00

The etiquette of conversation is perhaps one of the last “arts” to be on its way to extinction. People today talk in “sound-bytes”…a blip here…a bleep there…leaving messages everywhere—on the answering machine, beepers, voice mail boxes, e-mail, cell phones, and maybe even on the refrigerator. We’re more “in touch” than ever before. Now-a-days, there’s no such thing (if you have a cell phone) as a moment’s peace and quiet alone somewhere. There’s nowhere to hide! Someone can always find you and reach you.
Yet, even with this great advancement in technology, conversation—real conversation—is lacking. The word “converse” comes from the root “vers” meaning “to turn.” “Con” mean “with.” So to converse or hold a conversation is to “turn with” the other person. First one person speaks and then the other, in turn.
“Etiquette” is French for “ticket.” Perhaps the etiquette of conversation years ago held the ticket for rising in society—having polite manners and respect for others.
The guidelines that follow illustrate good conversation in Victorian times:

~ Never make yourself the hero of your own story.

~ Be cool, collected, and self-possessed; using respectful, chaste, and appropriate language; none that would bring a blush to others.

~ Do not attempt to pry into the private affairs of others by asking what their profits are; what things cost; whether Anna ever had a beau; why Amarette never got married.

~ Never question a servant or child about family matters.

~ Be patient; don’t speak for the person if she cannot perhaps recall the word she desires.

We can all think of occasions when trying to talk to someone that one couldn’t get in a word edgewise! The other person totally dominated the “monologue.” Then there are people who seem to look all around or busy themselves with other things as you are speaking instead of giving their undivided attention. (And yet you looked at her while she was speaking!) If we are to be like Christ, we need to take the time to honestly be interested in what others have to say. We need to listen, and not just hear.
It’s also polite, when speaking with someone, to acknowledge the presence of a third party, waiting politely to enter the conversation. A smile, a gesture, or a turning of your body to “open the circle” to include others is always courteous and welcoming. (Of course the third party should always be sure that the conversation is not confidential!)
The Bible teaches us to use our words to edify and be a blessing to others. When Jesus is first in our lives, “others” will automatically follow in the order of our priorities. And proper priorities are the key to successful Christian living.
When we make it our goal each day to uplift others in our conversation, and use “A word fitly spoken,” it will be as though we are painting “Apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

2008-06-17T11:34:00.001-04:00

Tips on Tact

Now that the summer has finally arrived and the kids have their much anticipated summer vacations, there will probably be times when you decide to get together with some other ladies in the church so that your children can spend some time together. My husband and I love it when we see the different families in our church getting together and fellowshipping one with another. It’s a great sign of unity and does wonders to draw brothers and sisters in Christ closer. As we develop close friendships within the church, we should always be conscientious to be very considerate of our friends and be mindful to never take advantage of them. For example, it seems every church has at least a few families who are so very generous and giving. They will offer their home for anything, do anything for anyone, throw big parties and ask for nothing in return. But I think as Christians we ought always to be thinking of a way to return. Let’s start with the very basic of all things-may I speak plainly? A,” Thank you for you kindness and generosity” is a good beginning. Another way to show our appreciation is to not let our children run around the host’s house like banshees. Do not allow them to be unsupervised. But, you say, I’m going there to relax and have a good time-I can’t do that and watch my kids too! But let’s think like Christians here-we are supposed to esteem others better than ourselves, true? How can you be esteeming Bro. and sister Big Hearted if you are out sipping an iced tea by the barbeque while your son is ripping through the house in search of the Big Heart’s kid’s rooms and their toys. And please, please don’t tell me that Bro. Big Heart never minds if your kids are wild. Don’t tell me it doesn’t hurt him a little to go through his beautiful house after a party and survey the wake your little Junior left behind. Of course it’s hurtful. He’s just too good hearted to let you know. When your stomach is so full you can’t even look at another thing to eat, it may suddenly occur to you, that you brought one or several children with you to the party. Children whom you have not seen for three or four hours. You go over to the staircase and holler their names. After a few minutes, the little darlings appear, looking like they just got back from auditioning for the part of a “street urchin” in some British film. Of course, they do not want to leave. What child would want to give up all the freedom they’ve experienced for the past few hours? So now they’re going to do what they always do-because no one has ever instructed them not to do this-they are going to put both you and your gracious, exhausted hosts on the spot and shamelessly ask if they can sleep over! Please, before you give the host that sheepish, big eyed look that says, “Well it’s o.k. with me if it’s o.k. with Bro. Big Heart here…” Establish beforehand with your children that this is not acceptable. It is rude. Let them know that if they try it, there will be consequences-the kind of consequences children would rather avoid. We instructed our children this way and after just a few instances when they tried us to see if we were in our right minds when we inaugurated this rule- and we always were-they never, ever asked again. Amazing.

Good friends are considerate. Good Christian friends are Christ like. I hope we will make this a lovely summer for all of our friends by considering that Christ like, selfless life which makes it a pleasure for others to be in our company.

2008-05-14T08:00:00.000-04:00

I had an opportunity recently to have a good, long talk with my elementary students about being patient with each other. Shakespeare’s “wink at small faults for thou hast large ones” came to mind. Also, in our morning exercises we are memorizing a portion of Matthew 7, which included, “And why beholdest thou the mote (splinter) that is in thy brother’s eye, and considerest not the beam (log) that is in thine own eye?” Bottom line, my classroom has been a lot quieter, and a lot more peaceful since we all decided to judge ourselves before we get started judging others.

One little boy, always a deep thinker, said to me, “Mrs. Graf, it seems like our class just feels better because everyone is trying to think more instead of speak.” I couldn’t agree more. Some of the children would start to tell me something and then just stop short and say, “Never mind. It’s really not important.” I have a little notepaper taped to my desk at school. It’s been there since the school year started, and though torn and “water splotched,” the four little words on that paper teach a little lesson that has as much value for adults as it does for a group of elementary school children from good families in a good Christian school. “Think twice; speak once.” Profitable for all of us who desire to use our mouths to bless, and not to curse. To encourage, not wound. To correct, but never crush. And sometimes, to keep our mouths quiet, for in select situations, this is the way to be the biggest blessing of all.

2008-04-30T22:51:00.003-04:00

Christians really ought to strive to be tactful people. We ought to be full of good sense and good judgment. Knowing the right thing to say at the right moment, and equally as important—if not more important—is knowing when it is just time to listen. Not every situation or predicament requires an answer from us—or an illustration of when a similar thing happened to us or to someone we know. I’ve often wondered why people feel it necessary to change the focus off the person who is experiencing trouble, sickness, or even heartache, only to shine the spotlight on themselves. For example, I have noted this sort of thing happens quite often during hospital visits (of which I have had my share.) Typically, the patient is wearing pajamas and already feeling pretty uncomfortable because a dozen or so visitors have squeezed themselves into the tiny room and encircled the patient’s bed. Someone always asks how the patient is feeling and then it starts. Let’s say the person has just had a baby. There are just some women who do not think anyone else had it “as rough as they did” in the delivery room. Before the poor patient speaks one sentence, another woman will turn to the other eleven visitors and begin to recount her own experience. (And can someone please explain to me where discretion goes at a time like this? I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been in mixed company and some loose-tongued woman starts telling the whole room about how far she dilated before she delivered! Hellooooooo! There are some of us who prefer to keep that topic to ourselves, thank you. And we would prefer it if you would, too!)

I’ve seen some poor souls who are truly suffering, either physically or emotionally, become trapped by someone who doesn’t have enough spiritual sense to just listen or sympathize. So on and on they’ll ramble about how they’ve been through the same thing. Or, they attempt to trivialize the whole thing, as if it was no big deal whatsoever.

Surely you and I know quite well what it feels like to be afraid or overwhelmed. Or when it seems that your whole world is about to fall apart. Or when the darkness is so thick, you fear to take the next step. Good, spiritual Christian friends are absolutely priceless at times like these. People need to be strengthened, encouraged, and exhorted. They don’t need to hear about all that’s happened to you or your great aunt’s sister-in-law. When women are hurting, they need someone to pray with them, not preach at them. An arm around the shoulder, a listening ear, and closed lips just may be the most valuable thing we can offer at times.

Oh for Christian women who are full of the Spirit of God and know that, “a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”

2008-02-26T11:50:00.000-05:00

continuing series…

Things that Accompany Salvation—Lesson 2

“Cranky Christians”

They’re moody, unpredictable, up and down, inconsistent, erratic, and fickle—and they come to church! They are the people whom we all know and whom we all find ourselves wondering about. “What will they be like today? Uh-oh. I must’ve said something wrong—look at that scowl! Hey! They must like me today! They’re being so friendly! Oh no! Now what’s wrong? Uh-oh… someone’s not happy…” and on and on. These are the people who, as the saying goes, wear their feelings on their sleeves and, quite frankly, seem to have forgotten that the way the brethren behave toward one another is not a small thing in the eyes of our dear Lord. The question in my mind when considering the people who act this way has always been three-part query:

How can they mistreat people the way they do and call themselves Christian?
How can they go on in their bad behavior and never apologize or make things right with people they’ve offended?
How can they live with themselves?

I think I would be pretty ashamed of myself if I were known for being kind one minute, pouty the next, arrogant the next time you see me, and just plain nasty when you confront me again.

We are not to wallow in sin, according to what the Bible teaches. There are no excuses for mistreating others and wearing our feelings on our sleeves in our world of Christianity. Once saved, we have our hope in Christ. We have our help in Christ. And we have the huge responsibility to picture Christ.

Of all the places where we should be especially conscientious of our behavior, home comes first. Moody mothers are not known for raising cheerful children. Woeful wives do not make happy husbands. Overall, a moody woman breeds insecurity and instability in her home. At church, it’s just as bad. Really, who can befriend her? She’s never the same. Who feels comfortable around her?—she pushes you away. How does she attend the Lord’s Supper with a clear conscience? Learn to be steady—a radiance that doesn’t wane, leading others to the Lord of light and love.

2008-01-29T11:48:00.000-05:00

I’d like to begin a series which I’ve entitled, “Things That Accompany Salvation,” based on the Scripture in Hebrews 6:9 which reads, “But, beloved, we are persuaded better things of you, and things that accompany salvation, though we thus speak.” We know, from reading God’s good Word, that there are many right and honorable things which come into our lives, yea, our very personalities, as a result of salvation.

Though we are sinners by nature, we have brand new desires and designs entirely different from when we walked after the flesh. For example, we know that true converts put away lying and that no corrupt communication is to proceed from our mouths. Where once we may have been know as liars, and took the Lord’s name in vain day and night—we have not so learned Christ, have we?

So consider with me, over this series of articles, our actions, our words, and our motives in light of the Scriptures.

Lesson One
“Curt Christians”

Recently, we received a phone call from someone I have not personally spoken to in years. The older gentleman, a Christian, surprised me at his curtness—not so much as a warm, kindly, “How are you?” or “How nice to hear your voice!” But rather, I could have thought I was talking to our local car mechanic!

Me: Hello?
Him: John around? (As if he was talking to a complete stranger!)
Me: Ummm… Excuse me?
Him: Where’s John… out? (Very abrupt!)

After I collected my thoughts and in shock realized who it was speaking to me, I said, “Oh, hello _______! How nice to hear your voice…” and so on.

I don’t get it. I always thought that as Christians age, they should become sweeter, more gracious, ever so much more like Jesus. I read an article recently about our brains and how, as we age, there’s this sort of “filter” thing that begins to lose the “quality” of its filtering ability. That’s why, the article stated, it is common for elderly people to ummm… “slip” or say things that, peradventure, they would not have said maybe five years earlier. But am I naïve to think that, as Christians age, we should grow, as an old song suggests, “Sweeter as the days go by”? I would just think that kindness, patience, dearness, loveliness, and yes, courtesy, would be characteristic of someone who has walked with Christ his whole life long. Curt Christians? Like day and night, old and new, saved and lost—the words are completely opposite in nature. Just some things to consider one of these frosty winter evenings as you re surrounded by the warmth of God’s great love.

In Regard to Discretion...

2007-12-03T10:28:00.001-05:00

A good Christian woman uses discretion. It matters not if her personality is bold by nature or timid—a Christian exercises tact, finesse, and good sense. Yet, what to do if you are a woman who tried to use discretion but find yourself being intimidated or coerced by women who are of a “stronger” personality? I have found myself in situations such as this and often feel very frustrated as I walk away knowing I have been had, put on the spot—or that I did not express myself as I should have. Instead, I cowered and berated myself for what I should have said. You know, you’re not necessarily being Christ-like when you timidly shrink away. There is a proper way to respond and that in a Christ-like manner. Once again, we can rely on the Word of God for instruction in these matters.

First of all, to the woman who is of a pushy nature: Sadly, your reputation precedes you. If you are known for anything, it is your “steam rolling” personality. In most cases, you are causing the people with whom you associate and even some of your friends to be “on guard” when they’re around you—maybe even to steer clear of you altogether. You need to change some things if you don’t want to be known as someone who intimidates others. Stop and think, “Is my opinion all that matters here?” “Am I being ‘preachy’ or pushy?” “Am I making this person feel uncomfortable?” As Christians, we are to make others feel at ease around us. We should be approachable, not repelling.

Now, for those who are on the receiving end because you tend to be more timid than others—it’s time to exercise some godly, Spirit-controlled boldness! Too often the gentler spirits are fearful. It’s not sinful to disagree sometimes or to say, “No.” You’ve got to ask the Lord to fill you with courage—in the right way—so that the next time you are in a situation or conversation that is making you feel more uncomfortable minute-by-minute, you’ll have the presence of mind and Christian discretion to give a kind but firm answer.

May Christ be seen in all of us.

"Hang On"

2007-11-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

I am not a “phone person” if you know what I mean. I use the phone when I need to and like the occasional catch up chat. I feel very glad to help anyone who might call needing information, advice or a listening ear. I love it because my husband and family can call to check in with me, let me know what’s going on in their world; if they’re going to be late, if they need help, if they need me to do something, etc. etc. BUT! I cannot bear to be captured alive by someone who just wants someone else to listen to them! Before the advent of caller ID, (blessed advent) one might be tempted to answer a persistently ringing phone and stop in the middle of what one is doing-only to hear the voice she feared it might be-the voice you know you will be listening to for the next hour at least, while your children stalk the neighborhood, your beds remain unmade and your good husband’s dinner lies in the deepfreeze, unthawed, unseasoned, and inedible. To me it’s just torture. No, I’m serious. It is almost painful for me to waste time on the phone like that. I find myself wondering if the person who is doing this to me has maid service, or meals on wheels or 24-hour childcare because I just don’t see how someone can spend such an inordinate amount of time on the phone and keep up with everything that needs to be done on any given day of the week.

So, rather than putting those of us in an awkward position and suggesting that we confront the ones who hold us prisoner, I have formulated, what I think is a pretty fail proof test for those who do indeed hold us hostage. If you are biting your nails right now, wondering if you are one of those people-read this little quiz and see how you fare:

1. When you call someone, and one of their children answers the phone, do you hear them whispering to the one you want to speak to by saying things like,” I didn’t know it was her! Sorry mom!”

2. When you call someone, do you get the impression that you are doing 95-97% of the talking? Do you hear only, ”Huh’s and uh-huh’s” for replies?

3. Do you hear pots and pans banging around in the background, dishwater running, a vacuum cleaner, bedtime stories being read, a man snoring, etc. after you’ve been on the phone for endless hours?

4. Does the person you called sigh a lot?

5. Do you get the impression someone has just laid the receiver down on the table and gone for a walk?

6. Are your own children still in their pajamas at 11:00 in the morning?

7. Does it seem like every time you call a certain person, the most absurd thing happens-their doorbell always happens to ring and they have to get off the phone? Amazing!

8. And does it seem like after an hour or so on the phone-just when you’re really getting going-some weird crisis always happens to one of the children of the person you are talking to. You’ll be talking away and suddenly you’ll hear-so clearly as if someone said it right into the receiver, ”Mom! Come quick! Joey got his head stuck in the tire swing again!”

Kind readers, while some of these situations may be somewhat embellished, I know, by personal experience and by the testimonies of those who I have spoken to that there are some women who just don’t have any sense of proper phone etiquette. Those of us left hanging on have no desire to be rude or unkind, it’s just that we have things to do-plenty to do. And there are never enough hours in the day with all of life’s little interruptions as it is, so, be a friend. Make your calls friendly, but don’t keep us hanging on forever. We love to talk to you, we’d never dream of hurting you. I hope this will be a help and a blessing to all.