"Hang On"

I am not a “phone person” if you know what I mean. I use the phone when I need to and like the occasional catch up chat. I feel very glad to help anyone who might call needing information, advice or a listening ear. I love it because my husband and family can call to check in with me, let me know what’s going on in their world; if they’re going to be late, if they need help, if they need me to do something, etc. etc. BUT! I cannot bear to be captured alive by someone who just wants someone else to listen to them! Before the advent of caller ID, (blessed advent) one might be tempted to answer a persistently ringing phone and stop in the middle of what one is doing-only to hear the voice she feared it might be-the voice you know you will be listening to for the next hour at least, while your children stalk the neighborhood, your beds remain unmade and your good husband’s dinner lies in the deepfreeze, unthawed, unseasoned, and inedible. To me it’s just torture. No, I’m serious. It is almost painful for me to waste time on the phone like that. I find myself wondering if the person who is doing this to me has maid service, or meals on wheels or 24-hour childcare because I just don’t see how someone can spend such an inordinate amount of time on the phone and keep up with everything that needs to be done on any given day of the week.

So, rather than putting those of us in an awkward position and suggesting that we confront the ones who hold us prisoner, I have formulated, what I think is a pretty fail proof test for those who do indeed hold us hostage. If you are biting your nails right now, wondering if you are one of those people-read this little quiz and see how you fare:

1. When you call someone, and one of their children answers the phone, do you hear them whispering to the one you want to speak to by saying things like,” I didn’t know it was her! Sorry mom!”

2. When you call someone, do you get the impression that you are doing 95-97% of the talking? Do you hear only, ”Huh’s and uh-huh’s” for replies?

3. Do you hear pots and pans banging around in the background, dishwater running, a vacuum cleaner, bedtime stories being read, a man snoring, etc. after you’ve been on the phone for endless hours?

4. Does the person you called sigh a lot?

5. Do you get the impression someone has just laid the receiver down on the table and gone for a walk?

6. Are your own children still in their pajamas at 11:00 in the morning?

7. Does it seem like every time you call a certain person, the most absurd thing happens-their doorbell always happens to ring and they have to get off the phone? Amazing!

8. And does it seem like after an hour or so on the phone-just when you’re really getting going-some weird crisis always happens to one of the children of the person you are talking to. You’ll be talking away and suddenly you’ll hear-so clearly as if someone said it right into the receiver, ”Mom! Come quick! Joey got his head stuck in the tire swing again!”

Kind readers, while some of these situations may be somewhat embellished, I know, by personal experience and by the testimonies of those who I have spoken to that there are some women who just don’t have any sense of proper phone etiquette. Those of us left hanging on have no desire to be rude or unkind, it’s just that we have things to do-plenty to do. And there are never enough hours in the day with all of life’s little interruptions as it is, so, be a friend. Make your calls friendly, but don’t keep us hanging on forever. We love to talk to you, we’d never dream of hurting you. I hope this will be a help and a blessing to all.